back again

not feeling like myself again. getting out of bed is hard again. all i want to do is alter my mind at night. i have too much to get done to be slacking off. too much at work, too much at home. my room is an utter mess. disgusting. i hate it when it gets like this. i have no desire to do a good job at work anymore. i have no desire to keep taking classes anymore. i don't know what i desire anymore. back to that again.

sleep time

i couldn't go today. don't know why. just couldn't go. i thought things were getting better. but definitely not.

more dark

when i think about him i think, this is stupid - i'm being stupid. i'm being the stupid one. of course we can be friends. i'm so above all of this, that it's really just silly that i even let it get to this place to begin with. i don't hate the new guy whatsoever. he's the only one that gets certain things about me. let's move on - time to move on...

... and then i see him in person. my belly drops and i feel RAGE. blood flowing, heart racing RAGE.

although i think it's good that i understand this probably has nothing to do with him. he's just the point of reference that my mind has chosen to funnel all this other stuff to. this other stuff... the darkety stuff. dark dark. donnie darko, that's me.

darkety dark dark

things aren't so good, to be honest.
this might be the darkest period of my entire life.
everything seems hopeless. there's just nothing good in my life.
when i'm not in class i mostly just sit in my room. the things i use
to do to make me happy just make me cry now.
i'm crying on a daily basis now, for no apparent reason... as soon as
i get to work. walking home. when i get home. when i go to bed.
i can never get out of bed, even when i get 10 hours sleep. of
course, i'm not sleeping well, and i don't really eat much anymore. i will have starbucks in the morning and usually at least a bowl of cereal for dinner. sometimes a burrito instead.
i've stopping caring about the nursing thing. i could care less if i
get all Fs in my classes.
i really do not want to be in regular therapy, but i'm kind of afraid of where
i'm headed if i don't start talking to someone on a weekly basis.

lies lies and lies

his attitude seemed to be saying "it's been 6 months, get over it." has it been 6 months? well, sir, i suppose it has. except that the first month and a half nothing about our lives changed, aside from separate beds. that's it. physically sleeping in a different bed. the only thing that changed. still made dinner together, still hung out together, still had a virtual date night every saturday, smoking or drinking and then going to alchemist. and then there was that month i moved when a weekly drinks & dinner night continued. and then there was the month that he moved, where the social life continued, despite me knowing better.

so not 6 months, really, no. and i was told on september 1st. which means it had been going for awhile. a couple weeks? a month? don't really care. point is i'd been hearing about him since early july and how boring he was and what a waste it was to bring him to the beach because he has nothing of substance to ever say. the beginning of july. which means, no, he really did not think those bad things, he was saying them to himself (out loud, as he always does) to fight the feelings he was developing. the beginning of july.

we continued therapy together until he moved out. the first week of june. the first week of june was our last session when he swore up and down and made a huge production (hands waving and everything) about how IN ORDER TO BE TRULY HAPPY he must be a SINGLE PERSON. and that to ever be truly fulfilled in life he CANNOT EVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. this was made abundantly "clear." this was ONE MONTH before the love bug began creeping up. ONE MONTH. not six months. and don't fucking tell me to not take it personal. the thought of having feelings for someone new in july was just absolutely absurd to me. but i should have known better. should have been thinking about his MO. i know it has way more to do with his own personal fucked up being and his insatiable need to constantly be with someone (despite his animated proclamation stating the exact opposite). but do not tell me to not take it personal. i'm a mess. i hate my life. i hate that my routine is gone - that my comfort zone was stripped from me - that i hate waking up every day... all initiated by me for him. because he could have never mustered up the balls to tell me so himself. and knowing everything i know, the fact that i actually FELL for that line about needing to be single. well, shame on me. i guess that really doesn't have anything to do with him. just my own fucking stupidity.

hmmm part 2

so i have this old hotmail account that i check every so often
and when i checked it i got this email from gmail to "initiate" the resetting of my main gmail password. which means gmail automatically sent that to my "back up" email (ie, my hotmail address) when someone (not me) tried to either get into my gmail, or reset the password... OR clicked the "forgot password?" link.

interestingly i checked someone's email in may shortly after i moved out... and got caught. i wonder if someone thought this was "owed" to me. good thing i changed my password.

more

what kind of a person stays with someone for two years when they aren't even attracted to them? or is that just another lie told to convince himself of what he conveniently needs to be convinced of at that particular moment? was that particular detail something that need to be absolute truth -- the only truth that ever existed -- and so he convinced himself of it? i suppose i should be flattered considering i am never attracted whatsoever to the people he says he's attracted to.

it's all pretty stupid really.